How dads can build a lifelong bond with their child

It may be stating the obvious to say that the number one key to being an excellent father is to build and maintain a good relationship with your child. Yet it’s something a lot of men struggle with.

We are all too familiar with the sad scene of a young man calling his parent’s house and the father answers the phone and immediately says to his wife, “it’s for you”. It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to have a beautiful relationship with your child that lasts through their teenage years and for the rest of your life. And the best time to start is immediately.

The process of bonding with a child in the early days of their life though can be harder for a dad than for a mom.

Nine months of carrying her growing child inside her, the hormones that flood her with a sense of love and connectedness and the intimacy of breastfeeding and physical nurture after birth all work together to forge a deep bond between mom and baby. Not so much for a father. His first tangible experience of his child is when a crying, squirming creature covered in gunk is thrust into his arms. When my son Luke was pushed kicking and screaming into the world from the warm embrace of his mother’s womb I did not feel an instant connection. He looked nothing like the cute, soft, smiling baby-boys of diaper-ad fame. He was squashed, blotchy and mottled with a look of utter dismay and disgust on his face and I remember thinking, “this is not what I signed up for”. I definitely did not feel an instant bond.

Having a child is a game changer.

The disruption to almost every aspect of your life is enormous. One father compared it to living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

Comedian Jim Gaffigan said there should be a children’s song called “If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep”.

The early days of fatherhood are challenging times for a dad in a different way to what they are for a mom. It’s easy to feel a bit used and neglected. A lot is demanded of you and not a lot is given in return. Your partner and your child are the center of attention, you are most likely working hard, sleeping less and having to help out with all kinds of new chores. And on top of all that your sex life will not exactly be on fire.

But the importance of dads bonding with their babies cannot be overstated.

Here are just a few of the many benefits:

1. It’s great for your baby’s health.

On both an emotional and physical level, regular interaction with your baby will make them more robust and resilient.

2. It creates a lasting connection.

The deeper your bond with your child when they are young the deeper your bond will be when they are older.

3. It builds a happy brain.

In the first few years of life billions of neural connections are made in a child’s brain, forming default pathways of thinking and feeling. Early bonding with dad helps build happy, healthy, positive neural pathways.

4. It sets them up for success.

The research is clear, babies who interact more with their fathers tend to get along better with peers later in life, are more law-abiding, more likely to be emotionally secure and more confident and adventurous as they grow older

5. It gives mom a break.

By spending quality time with your child and taking up your share of the baby-care chores you will give mom an opportunity to rest and refresh which will give her the energy to be a great mom, and wife. Everyone wins.

One of the reasons dads struggle to bond with their babies is that they’re not sure how to.

Babies can’t play golf, drink beer or have a decent conversation about sport; all they do is eat, sleep, cry and emit foul smelling substances from both ends of their tiny bodies. Yet in spite of their obvious limitations there are a number of great ways to bond with your baby: 

1. Get fully involved.

The only thing you can’t do as a dad is breastfeed. Become an expert at changing nappies, bathing, feeding, burping, dressing and putting them to sleep.

2. Connect with them.

Let your voice, touch and presence be a constant in their life. Read to them, play with them, sing to them, dance with them in your arms.

3. Have fun with them!

Laughter creates powerfully positive neural pathways and a deep connectedness with you, their dad

4. Use a papoose and take them on outings.

Carrying my son and daughter around in a papoose, close to my chest made outings so much easier than using a cumbersome pram. They loved it too.

The bottom line is to make sure your child’s experience of you is good right from the start.

As they grow older the way you connect with them will change and go through many phases. The key is to be a consistent presence in their lives, physically and emotionally.

The greatest investment you can ever make is not in the stock exchange, bitcoin or property, it’s in the lives of your children. And the currency of that investment is time.

The one thing you can never spoil a child with is too much of you. And the reward is enormous. You will have a special, lifelong bond quite unlike any other.

Below I’ve posted a video of my emotional reaction when my son Luke gave a surprise visit after being overseas for over a year which illustrates how beautiful this bond can be even 25 years after they burst onto the scene.